JOY
by Stony22
Summary: Tony faces the first Father's Day without his father Howard, who abandoned him. Inspired by the song "JOY" by Ellie Goulding.


It'd been months since he'd seen his father; the last time was in mid-February. Tony watched his father roar out of the dormitory parking lot, standing in the rain as he watched Howard go. He was so filled with rage that he could barely contain it, though he knew he had to keep it together. There was plenty of schoolwork to focus on, and while the stress from the constant fights between he and his father made Tony feel as if there was a permanent lump in his throat Tony managed to continue on. Few people knew about his pain or his situation, even though at times he desperately wanted to tell people how he felt.

Since he was a child, Tony always went back to his dad no matter how bad the treatment became. His father was a raging alcoholic, beat him for the smallest transgressions or for no reason at all and verbally abused him. There was a sort of rush Tony got from the way his father made him feel, though with age he realized it was simply an overabundance of adrenaline coursing through his veins caused by the stress. It never mattered if Tony fought back; Howard would beat him again, blame him for everything terrible that happened to their family, and leave for days at a time.

Tony often went days without seeing his father. He and his mother never had any clue where Howard was, and if either of them questioned his whereabouts they'd feel his wrath. Howard would turn it all around on them, telling them they were being paranoid and that he never asked what they were up to. If they pressed the question further, Howard would simply beat Tony in front of his wife and tell her she'd be next.

Tony knew the reason why Howard was gone all the time; he had a gut feeling. There was no doubt in his mind that his father was cheating on his mother without question, and that year Tony met one of his father's drug addicted mistresses when Howard came to pick him up from his dorm to go out for lunch. He found a narcotics anonymous pamphlet in his father's convertible with various phone numbers written on the back, and much to his horror Tony realized that Howard was preying on addicts. They were such an easy target, and the skinny, haggard looking twenty six year old in the front seat disgusted Tony.

That moment was the last straw for Tony, and when his father asked what he thought of his 'new friend' Tony let him have it. He told Howard off, bringing up all of the past memories, the horrible things he'd done to him, and how much he'd hurt his family over the years. Howard was furious, threatened to cut off all support to Tony, and told him how ungrateful he was before slapping him hard across the face. In an instant Tony ran out of the car and into the pouring rain, only to see Howard race off into the night. They never spoke after that night, and several days later Tony got a phone call from his mother, saying that Howard ran off with another woman and would never be coming home.

When Father's Day came around that year, Tony's heart felt empty. It was the first year that he didn't give his dad a gift or go out to dinner to celebrate the day. He saw all of the Facebook statuses from his friends, who were putting up pictures of themselves with their fathers and talking about how thankful they were to have them in their lives. Tony could say no such thing about his, and he thought about how much he wished he'd had a good father. Nothing could change that, however; Tony couldn't choose his father any more than he could change the color of his skin or the color of his eyes.

The painful memories of the past he had with his father ate away at Tony that day, and it made him think about dying, which was almost all the time as it was. He knew he was always going to ache with an empty heart knowing that he would never have Howard's love, and as he laid flat on his bed staring at the ceiling he swore he could see stars. Thinking about Howard made Tony feel as if he was in a nightmare, completely thrown out of reality and into a delusional haze.

As Father's Day progressed into the early afternoon Tony felt paranoid; he was so afraid of everything that his future would hold. He worried that he'd be a terrible father, a worthless husband, and an abusive, sociopathic monster. Since he cut off all contact with his father fear became Tony's favorite ride; the constant worrying fueled him with the adrenaline that connected him to his past. It was like fuel to a vehicle, and Tony knew his foggy thinking and delusional state were in part due to this. He couldn't find the strength to snap out of it, however, and images of Father's Day cards, candies, thank you's and hugs replaced the stars on his ceiling.

As he slipped deeper and deeper into his temporary disconnect with the world, his phone began to ring. Tony knew he couldn't ignore whoever was on the other end for fear that someone would know something was wrong, so with an extreme amount of effort Tony grabbed his cellphone off of the floor. A small smile crept onto his face when he read the name that popped up on the screen. With some hesitation he answered it, and a comforting, familiar voice flooded his ears.

"Hey, Tony. I was wondering if you'd like to come over today. I'm having a barbeque and bonfire tonight and I've invited all of our friends. Everyone's here, but we need you; it's not a party until Tony Stark walks in, after all. Can I pick you up?" the voice on the other end asked enthusiastically, and after a moment Tony answered.

"… Sure, I'll spice up your party. Good to know that you realize that get-togethers aren't nearly as fun without me," Tony joked, to which his friend responded with a sigh and chuckled.

"Of course, Tony. I'll be over in ten minutes," his friend replied, and Tony said "thanks" before hanging up.

After the phone call, Tony felt a little better. He knew that as long as he had his friends, joy would take his side. Joy would never be found in Howard's arms, and in reality Tony knew he'd never celebrate another Father's Day again with his biological father. But his friends loved him, and even though it could possibly take years to heal Tony felt that for now, it was enough.


End file.
